Gratitude. This is not just a Thanksgiving word, although it is a word bantered around more at this time of year than any other time. It seems to have lost any power it used to have. The word gratitude has become as meaningless as a “have a nice day” from an unsmiling checker at the big box store.
When my best friend’s daughter died, people told her to be grateful because she still had other children. She was and is grateful for her other children but that platitude did not help her deal with the grief. They told her to be grateful that her daughter had passed away, they said it was her time to be with God. My friend was not grateful that her daughter had passed away, but she was grateful. Her gratitude came from other places – the number of people who came to the service, the prayers of friends and family, finding a letter from her daughter in an old book, and remembering a special event together. It took hindsight and time to find gratitude for the actual death itself.
During the economic down-turn we were all telling each other to be grateful for our losses – that we had lessons to learn or that we needed to be humbled. We did not feel grateful for the “lessons” nor did we feel grateful for being humbled. We told each other to be grateful that we still had a car, even if we lost a house, or that we still had a house when so many people had lost theirs. It was nice to know that we had more than the next guy, but it wasn’t gratitude we felt, it was relief. The gratitude came later, as we began to dig out of the mess, and find the joy in overcoming adversity. It took hindsight and time to find gratitude for the down-turn.
I am not grateful that my husband has cancer. People have suggested that I be grateful for the cancer, that it sharpens the focus of what is important, but I am not grateful for the cancer today. I am truly grateful for the prayers, love, and support of our community. I have learned that I do not have to be grateful for the actual circumstances but I can find things to be grateful for. We have many blessings. In hindsight and over time, perhaps I will be grateful for the cancer. Not now.
Gratitude for the actual circumstances is not something we can force upon ourselves through sheer will, affirmations, and journals. It is something felt in the heart. The will, affirmations, and journals can strengthen the gratitude but it cannot bring it about. Gratitude for other things is enough. Gratitude for actual circumstances comes with hindsight and time.