Giving Up For Lent

Here is a short diary of what it is like to give up something for Lent.
2/17/2015 – Shrove Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, whatever that Tuesday is – start of Lent. Said goodbye to my friends on Facebook. I can go 40 days without it. Went back on to be sure I really said good bye and noticed I had lots of likes and messages and responses. I am a little worried. I am looking for work. What if someone has a potential job for me? The people who really know me can get ahold of me the old fashioned way. Did not do a last check before bed. Slept great.
2/18/2015 Wednesday. Not too much of a big deal but I do feel a bit disconnected. Relaxed with my coffee without checking in. I wonder if people are still liking my last blog post? Spending time working this morning. Only a few tabs opened, outlook, excel, and word. No internet, none needed. Let’s see how it goes. There is a part of me feeling relief, at least for now. Facebook can make me feel pretty damned depressed. Everyone’s sending little inspirational gifs, they all have these great things happening like trips or showing off their artistic talents. If they are going through a rough patch (been there, got the t-shirt), they are getting lots of prayers, love, and too many comments to mention.
Wednesday went pretty well. I kept busy working on a temporary job. I am getting bids for a remodel. Later on I went to a chanting circle. I did a little reading and have not missed Facebook this evening. A good sign. Okay, admittedly a little painful as I close out of the emails. Thinking I want to just check really quickly. But, no.
2/19/2015 Thursday. Morning was fine. Let’s see how the day goes. Later . . . Not bad. Kept busy and now my daughter is home! Whoo hoo.
2/20/2015 Friday. Had lots of “waiting time” and wishing I could be on FB. Although I often look to find some concrete answers to my questions, they do not exist. The esoteric is all there is.
2/21/2015 Saturday morning. I have sent out 100s of emails asking for ideas on work and here is what I get. “Go back to real estate, you dumb ass” and “I have a multi-level marketing deal that is different from every other multi-level marketing deal in the world, you dumb ass” and, my personal favorite: “you can’t get paid what you want to get paid, you dumb ass”. Glad not to be on Facebook at the moment. Too many people calling me a dumb ass without hearing it from the 643 imaginary friends and the 24 real friends I have out there.
2/22/2015 Sunday. It’s snowing. That makes life better. I have missed the snow this winter. Today I went to the hardware store. They sell housewares and impulse buy items, too. I love going there. On special, for only a dollar each, were the big boxes of candies, like they sell at the movies. Most people give up candy for Lent. I bought some Milk Duds. If they are still on sale tomorrow, I may pick up some Junior Mints and watch something on Netflix.
2/23/2015 Monday. My husband had his chemo appointment, I usually sit there and we play with our phones. This time I went window shopping. Nothing to buy, just looking at ideas for the future. I love the colors this year, nice and bright! Got back, handled some insurance issues, and did not miss Facebook in the least. Later in the evening I wrote a long email and it may have satisfied some of the urges. I know giving up chocolate would have been harder. I ate a candy bar for dinner.
I know I promised a short diary but I think it is going to be a long one.
2/24/2015 Tuesday. We went on a walk. I have been working at my desk most of the day. I am socially deprived. I need humans. I think it is time for the grocery store. At nearly 4:00 I feel like I wasted the day. Every call is hurry up and wait. There are no quick answers.
2/25/2015 Wednesday. Spent the morning reading someone else’s blog. What a waste of time. It was interesting but I really didn’t need it. I could have been getting things done and instead I was procrastinating. No better than Facebook. Here it is the middle of the day and I have not gotten anything done. I hate days like this. If I have a vacation planned I am much more efficient.
2/26/2015 Thursday. Today I had a job, I am doing some contract work. It helped not having an empty plate – boredom is the fuel that feeds the addiction. I worked until almost one o’clock in the morning. Exhaustion also keeps me on track.
This is a good sign. It is Sunday and I have not missed social media at all.
3/3/2015 Tuesday. I feel a bit lost, out of focus. I miss connection. I have been at my desk all morning working on paying bills, fighting the insurance company, and wading through papers. I also have an actual job which requires making phone calls, waiting for return calls, sending emails, and waiting for return emails. It’s not much personal interaction, usually just messages left back and forth. Today I don’t feel like working, although I should, I feel like making connections. There are several ways to get connection. One is face to face. I like that one best. Going to Starbucks with a friend or going to a social event and running into lots of people I know. When you have an office, you can take a break and head to the copier or the coffee pot and greet your office mates. I work from home and my outlet was social media and the occasional lunch with a friend. I miss humans.
3/4/2015 Wednesday. Yesterday in the late afternoon (after my journal entry) I met up with a friend who is like a mentor to me. He had me go through an exercise to get more focused. It was hard, and I cried big time, but I feel so much better today. I have clarity. I let go of the non-profit (I was the only paid person) which sucks up too much of my time. Too bad, I love the rice, but there is a religion mixed up in it which makes me uncomfortable. Good came from the whole thing, I made some friends in the process. I also had a good social day, which I really needed. Tomorrow I will do my phone work and get some of these bids finished up. This evening David feels good enough to head out and entertain himself. All alone in the house, I do miss the social media, but it gives me an excuse to work on my system for these bid jobs. Something productive!
3/5/2015 Thursday. On and off track, mostly on. Got my hair done. That helps. I feel very spoiled.
3/6/2015 Friday. I swear, weeks go too fast. I have a weekend where nothing can get done and I feel like I did not accomplish everything I needed to this week. We did David’s lab work today. His platelet count was low again. We will know Monday if he gets to have chemo on Monday. If not, we put it off a week and we go see our daughter and help her move from the dorms to an apartment when he feels like SHIT. I hate the not knowing part of all this. I know that Buddhists feel the energy of the “in between” but it’s uncomfortable for me. I want to know what’s happening. I don’t need a big plan, a few weeks at a time is fine, but I need something. I also like to have a few months at a time on financials, not an open ended unknown, but that is not my fate at this moment. It’s a trust thing.
3/7/2015 Saturday. Grocery shopping. Took a long walk with one friend, visited with another friend. Wrote stories about my dad for my daughter. Easy day.
3/8/2015 Sunday. It is light out so late I feel like I am supposed to be doing something. Slept in, went to see a condo for friends who want to renovate, picked up David at Starbucks, picked up Abby’s bike, went to Squaw for lunch, came home, made tapioca pudding, ran some errands, bought Abby stuff for her apartment, breathe, breathe, breathe.
3/9/2015 Monday. Chemo was cancelled. Platelets down again from Friday. Really? Okay, what’s in front of me? David feels good – even if he isn’t producing platelets fast enough. I have a project for my brother that is starting to come together. Two escrows due to close on the 18th of March with referral fees, plus three sides in April. I am gathering the information needed to get the life loan and the Chase refi/modification together. Somehow, we make it one more day. Missing my baby, can’t wait to visit her next week.
3/10/2015 Tuesday. Went so fast. Worked on the bid job. Took a walk. I sleep more than I need to, but I never get satisfied, it is as if sleep alludes me. My neck was damaged years ago in an accident. I was young and did not realize the intensity of the damage. As I age, the damage has caught up with me, and it hurts most of the time. When I move during sleep, the pain wakes me up. I am able to get back to sleep, but I never have enough chunks in a row. That’s probably why the day went to fast. I was only functioning for about 12 hours.
3/11/2015 Wednesday. David slept more than usual today. Cancer and cancer treatments just beat the hell out of him. It is so hard to be comfortable in the middle. There is no planning for tomorrow, even when a plan needs to be made. There is only now. I just want him to be better. The dollar is strong against the euro, I want to take him to Europe. I want to go for walks, laugh, play, talk, and eat. I want him to feel like himself again. I made copies of the things I needed to make copies of today, I sent emails, and I did some of my real estate continuing education. I am overwhelmed with the amount of paperwork in our lives. I want it to be simple. Some paperwork is on-line, some is in paper form, and some things are both. It is overwhelming. No wonder everyone needs a home office. It can’t be done without gobs of files and crap all over the place. I am grateful that I do not have Facebook as a distraction. It is almost 6 pm. So many things have to be done on the phone Monday through Friday, 9-5, that I can’t complete all the stuff I need to complete. Aargh! I need a clone of myself for a day or two, or three. Be okay, be okay, be okay. Finished 9 hours of continuing education. 6 more on-line hours to go and then 12 hours of physical classes. Be okay, be okay, be okay. So much to do. Too tired now to concentrate and to awake to go to bed.
3/12/2015 Thursday. Better day. David worked on his seeds and did his walk. I got together with a friend. It was nice to see someone I love outside of the grocery store. I feel like Raley’s is my social life. Spent a ton of time gathering medical information. They sure make it difficult.
3/13/2015 Friday. Good day. Fun night. Went to a concert. Stayed out too late. Tough on David. Made for a tough night. Beats Antique – whom David and Abby have seen together several times, Abby also saw on New Year’s Eve with Royce, but I’d never been. It is a visual explosion! Loved it. Wish David felt better but he enjoyed it anyway. We were right up front, like a couple of teenagers.
3/14/15 Saturday. Pi Day. David hasn’t felt good all day but he went to the Hyatt and took a walk. I took my mom to the hairdresser. Feeling scared. This evening was better, we watched a video and went to bed early. Not as scared once David felt better.
3/15/15 Sunday. We finished getting the car packed to go to chemo tomorrow. We will head out to Ashland from Reno. Not sure if we will make it all the way or only part of the way. At least everything is packed, except our clothes and computers. I am lonely today. So is David. It isn’t that we don’t have each other, we do, but it isn’t quite enough. Starbucks was full of people we don’t know. There is only so many places to walk. I think we are going to need to move to a city. But, where? Not Reno. David is okay with Reno but I am not. I would rather wait and go to San Francisco or Krakow or some real city, not the suburbs. We wait because David’s treatment needs to be completed. We don’t want to change doctors. We wait, we wait, we wait. Life is about waiting. If we sold the house, it’d be impossible to find a rental we can afford. What do we do? There are no answers, only questions. If I had to do my life over again, I would have finished college and gotten a regular job. Being an entrepreneur is tough.
3/19/15 Thursday. Took a break from this diary and went to help our daughter move to an apartment. She is such an adult. We are really proud of her. My husband didn’t feel good, chemo was Monday and we drove nearly 6 hours before crashing for the night. Tuesday we were at her place before 9 am and worked with her Tuesday and Wednesday, leaving this morning. Moving during finals week, tough on her, glad we were there. No missing of social media these past few days. Didn’t even miss the computer.
3/20/2015 Friday. It’s Nowruz, Persian New Year. The original plan was a job interview but the guy got food poisoning. We postponed until . . . ? In the meantime I was all dressed up with no place to go. So, I went to Raley’s. I love going to the store, it’s my social outlet. I also went to my old office, there were a few checks ready for me. I did some cruising around town. David did not feel good and I wanted to give him some space. My dinner smelled bad to him, poor guy. He had to open all the doors and windows and he couldn’t join me at the table.
3/21/2015 Saturday. Took a long walk with my friend Susan. Now it is even hard to get to this diary about leaving social media for Lent. The computer, and everything that goes with it, takes too much time. I think we are all ADHD from it. I wish I had a copier that did lots of pages at once. So much paper that needs to be passed along. David took a walk today, he worked in the yard. Now he is napping. He has always napped but these are different. He sleeps hard. I am okay, I am okay, I am okay, I am scared. I love him so much, I wish I could take his pain away.
3/22/2015 Sunday. David seems to have slept well. He is back to his regular self. I forget how up and down cancer is. I forget he is no longer completely invincible. Today I went on a hike, he worked in the yard and went on his walk. I came home and cleaned house, he went out to play at the casino for a bit. I took a shower and relaxed. He is on his computer getting things done. Life goes on. Abby came home. She brought her boyfriend, Royce. He is kind and fits well with the family.
3/23/2015 Monday. Whirlwind. Job Interview. Abby and Royce to G-Me’s house (my mom). Abby and Royce off to do friend stuff. David and I relax. They get home late. David is feeling better and better. When he feels good, I feel good.
3/24/2015 Tuesday. Another Job Interview. Abby’s car to the shop for an oil change and some extra work, fuel filter, etc. Then, as a family, we all went to Starbucks, CB’s Pizza (saw Callie), and Tahoe City. Bought a few things, headed to Squaw, headed home. BIG dinner! David ate and ate and ate! I am so glad. The kids were fun. We got a package from France, Julie sent Abby her favorite cereal. Played games all evening and laughed. Abby is way too good at Scrabble. Happy – the perfect day.
3/25/2015 Wednesday. Abby is ready to head back to Ashland. Tahoe is no longer her home. I am happy and sad at the same time – proud of her for being an adult. She is supposed to feel this way and it makes me happy that she has created a life for herself. It is exciting and new. The sad comes because it happened so fast, her growing up, and I love having her here. We did the last of the important things: uploaded tax returns to FASFA, went to Raley’s and filled a cooler, had Sushi, and packed her car (including a cabinet from home that will be perfect for school stuff). She checked in along the way, Royce did most of the driving, and after dropping him in Medford, she headed to her apartment. Just by chance, we had the same thing for dinner, broccoli and sausages. She called with a few questions as she learns to cook for herself. That makes me happy, too. Staying connected for the little things. David had another great day and we talked until close to midnight. I feel good.
3/28/2015 Saturday. The days have been speeding by. David is feeling pretty good and eating well. That makes me glad. I no longer miss Facebook. I think I will post this blog and check on occasion, but I am tired of social media. It isn’t social enough. Easter falls on April 5th this year, not so far off. Walking, finishing paperwork, getting my desk in order, getting my house in order, looking for work. Life is sure interesting. My phone died today while I was on a walk and I enjoyed the quiet. Less and less media. More and more peace of mind. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful family.
3/29/2015 Sunday. Walks and a bit of work. Warm and easy day.
3/30/2015 Monday. Chemo was postponed due to low platelets but at least David gained weight and can continue to EAT! Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.
3/31/2015 Tuesday. I went to the dentist, it is not as serious as I thought. One filling needs to be replaced and one crown needs to be replaced. It’s a crown that has bothered me for years and the dentist who did the work kept saying it was fine. I went to another dentist who said I needed three crowns and a root canal, which seemed excessive. Today’s dentist showed me the films – it’s obvious I don’t need all that work. Best part, I can wait a few months. I have to take antibiotics first anyway, since I have an infection.
4/1/2015 Wednesday. April Fools’ Day was always fun when I was little. Cupcakes made of meatloaf with mashed potato frosting was a favorite. Trying to convince someone that I was pregnant or that I joined a convent, both of which were silly at 9 years old, were also hits. My favorite happened when I was a teenager. My dad called his friend at work to tell him that a tree had fallen on his house, just to watch the friend drive up in panic. Turns out a tree really had fallen on the friend’s house, a double April Fools’ Day since my dad was playing a prank that turned out to be true! Redbox did a funny email today with Pet Box, a new movie rental for your dog, including the movie 50 Shades of Greyhound. I laughed so hard, they did a great job. More paperwork today. David is feeling pretty good. Life keeps moving forward. Abby has strep, the doctor thought it was an April Fools’ joke when the nurse told her since strep is rare this time of year. Good news, antibiotics take care of strep. Bad news, her boyfriend will probably get it, too.
4/4/2015 Saturday. Missed a few days but have been trying to stay off the computer and off the phone. Too much sensory overload. Looks like I have a job working for my brother. Now we just have to work out the pay scale, I can’t work for free. I am not even looking forward to Facebook. Sure, there are people on there that I care about, but Facebook no longer holds any appeal. I think I am over it. I will probably be a light contributor, I don’t want to lose it completely, but after all this time off, I feel better in general.
4/5/2015 Easter Sunday. The day flew by. Talked with Abby in the morning. We had hot chocolate with my mom at Starbucks in the afternoon. It snowed. Not enough to cover the driveway or the roads but enough to cover the earth and the plants. It’s pretty. Nothing else happened. We will probably read or watch a movie tonight. I feel like a boring old person but that’s okay. Tomorrow will be busier and I’ll feel like a not so boring young person, or something in between.
4/6/2015 Monday. Chemo day. It was a bugger but David is such a warrior. I will post now and maybe say hello to a few people. Lots of hugs at Raley’s tonight. So many people in real life love me. One of the local mom’s asked if David had cut his hair. She sees a guy at Starbucks that she thinks is him but . . . . So she will say hi next time he is there.