Lesson Learned Through Cancer

Learning about life is an on-going process. Just when you think you have it down, something new comes along to tell you there are more things to learn.

The lesson today, how to live with cancer. Cancer takes over your mind, even more than it takes over your body. It consumes your every thought. Both the patient, as well as the close family members and friends, and especially the care-giver (usually the spouse), are consumed as well. It becomes the topic of conversation, the subject that everything relates back to. There is nothing but cancer – in how to eat, when to sleep, where to go, and in every breath we take.

Last year’s high school kids called him “The Walking Wizard.” My husband walks everywhere, often to and from Starbucks. A graphic artist, he works from home. He was the stay-at-home dad for our daughter and enjoyed watching her grow up. At the end of this summer, thinking he had the stomach flu, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 esophageal cancer. It has metastasized into the liver. The first doctor told him to get his affairs in order, he only had a few months left to live. The prognosis was terrifying and sudden. We sought a second opinion. The new doctor said “I am just a doctor. Only God knows how much time you have.” She has patients who looked like they only had a few months and lived for ten years or more. She also had patients who should have made it but didn’t. Quality of life and an extension of life is the goal. Today there is no cure for Stage IV cancer, but it can be managed.

I had left my 25 year real estate career in January to pursue other paths. Taking care of my husband is now the path. Being his advocate with the doctors, the hospitals, the insurance company, and the pharmaceutical company is more than a full time job – it is a matter of life and death.

When our daughter heard the news, she planned to postpone college, but the new doctor urged her to go. My husband and I urged her to go. It gives her dad hope and a purpose to live, watching her grow up and pursue a college education is exciting for him.

What have I learned so far? People want to help. Our friends and family, of course, but there is also a special surprise. People we were not even close to, and many we didn’t even know, have come forward to bless us with prayers, with funds for medical expenses, and with many other gifts from the heart. A friend put together a fundraiser and the outpouring of love was truly a spiritual experience. We felt it from each and every person who was there, and even from those who couldn’t be there but wanted to be. The number of people in attendance was staggering and the notes and messages of those who couldn’t attend was also staggering – so much love and hope that we still feel it moving through us. The funds raised are helping with medical bills and living expenses, it is through the grace of others that we can move forward. I cried so much in gratitude that I actually ran out of tears.

We have done our share of research. What is the best cancer treatment? Is it chemotherapy? Is it Acupuncture? Is it conventional or non-conventional? And, the question no one wants to ask, but we still have to, can we afford it?

There are people who go through conventional cancer treatment and live. There are those who do not make it. There are people who go through alternative cancer treatment and live. There are those who do not make it. We, as humans, are not in charge of the outcome.

The best treatment is treatment that the patient believes in. My husband believes in his doctor. He trusts her and he feels comfortable with her. She uses both conventional and alternative methods in a careful balance. Yes, he is going through chemotherapy. He is also using meditation, diet, both natural and pharmaceutical medications, certain essential oils, massage, oncological skin treatments, acupuncture, Reiki, and other mind-body techniques. She monitors his herbal intake since some herbs work against chemo and others work in conjunction with chemo. She is with him every step of the way, even calling on weekends to see how he is feeling.

Adding to the confidence we have in our doctor, we also have our entire community praying and sending positive thoughts. We have friends and family all over the country and the world doing the same. The energy of thousands of people working on his behalf is truly healing.

I have learned that there is no answer to “let me know if there is anything I can do”. We really don’t know, it’s more overwhelming than we can express. For some cancer patients it helps to have food delivery and housekeepers and people to drive. For us, those things are not so necessary. My husband never knows what he can eat and we both feel uncomfortable having other people do for us what we can still do for ourselves. Being independent helps reduce our fears.

Please, no hugs or handshakes. It is not that we don’t like them but any germ, however small, can be very serious to a cancer patient. With a compromised immune system from the chemotherapy, fighting a cold is next to impossible. Say “hi” when you see us, just like you would if there was no cancer. No long faces, no sad voices, no pity. We do appreciate that you are praying or sending positive thoughts – thanks for letting us know about that.

We have hope and we have time. How much time is anyone’s guess, but isn’t that the same with everyone? My husband plans to live with cancer, not die from cancer.